The Sperm, The Egg, and God's Mistake

by Kaete

      The sperm sidled up to a random egg and beheld all of her life-giving gooiness.
      "You look like a nice egg. May I come in?" the sperm politely inquired.
      "Well, I don't know. Are you a nice sperm?"
      "Whomever's body you're in seems to think so."
      "If you didn't notice, she's a hooker," the egg bluntly stated.
      "Yeah, well," the sperm kicked his tail into gear and circled around her, "it's not like we have a better option. Our futures are pretty bleak. I was lucky enough to make inside a human, instead of being shot out onto a napkin. I hear a tampon's not too fun, either."
      "Good point. Let's make a baby," she replied, a bit more enthused about the whole idea.
      "As long as there's no miscarriage, I'm sure we'll make a fine offspring! I love the man who outlawed abortions," he commented before making his entrance.

Four months later...

      "Fuck our president. I'm knocked up again and can't get an abortion because of him," the hooker bitched in rage.
      "Just put him up for adoption. The poor little shit will suffer enough from the brain damage it has to get from all the smack you do," her fellow corner-stalker said.
      You never told me she was a crack whore.
      You never asked. Besides, I bet there's a fair amount of THC inside of you.
      ..True. This'll be one fucked up kid. Maybe this wasn't the best idea. Is it too late to miscarriage?
      Yeah, but at least it'll be going up for adoption. God knows the kid would have no chance if it stayed with her.
      So the sperm and the egg contemplated the decision they had made 4 months ago, and so did the hooker. Sadly, the future child could not, or else is probably would've said to hell with it all.

Five months later...

      "It's a beautiful baby bo- Uh, where'd the mother go?" the doctor questioned while looking at the nurses. "I see. Anyone want him?"
      "Sure, I'll take him," one of the nurses volunteered.

Nine months previous...

      "So, uh, how are you doing today, Ms. Egg?" the sperm wondered.
      "Same as every other day, I suppose. Aren't you going to come in?"
      "Well, I was hoping it didn't have to come to that," he said.
      "Oh, thank god. I'm getting tired of these people trying to have a child. Why can't they understand that we just don't find it fit that they breed?" the egg rejoiced.
      "I know. Stubborn bastards. Well, goodbye," said the sperm before he swam off.

A few weeks later...

      "God damn it, what's wrong with your sperm?!" the wife shrieked at her husband. "That's it. We're getting a test tube baby."

Nine months later...
      Christ, it's happening.
      I know... the sperm replied. Goddamn science. This wasn't meant to be.
      "Congratulations! It's a girl," the doctor voiced for all to hear.
      Yeah, congratu-fuckin'-lations, the child's a retard, the egg and the sperm chimed in unison.

Five years later and during recess...

      "My fake mommy said she was planning on sacrificing me to her god, but she changed her mind and said that I should be thankful to our true lord and savior, Satan," the little boy said while playing in the sand.
      "My parents are real. They said there's something special about my brain," the little girl commented.

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